Big Girl Panties

Z is growing like crazy and I’m in complete denial that it’s going to keep happening. My idea of childproofing is putting things up on the arms of the sofa and I overlook the fact that she can not only reach the arm of the sofa, but has no trouble climbing on and off the thing. Partly I hope that by the time I face up to facts, she’ll have outgrown this phase where life itself is a choking hazard. But then I want to pull back hard on the reigns of time. She wore big girl panties to the playground today and is sitting on the toilet (boycotting the potty chair.. makes for a nice tote, but I doubt she’ll ever use it properly.) How is it happening that she’s wearing big girl panties??

The more I do it, the more I feel pretty clueless about this whole parenting thing. I’m glad that she won’t remember much of these first few years of life for the parenting mistakes I’ve already made. And I think there’s a natural schizophrenia associated with parenting a toddler. While on some level I’m glad she’ll forget, I want to savor and remember every second and partly there’s a deep sadness that she won’t remember and cherish every second too - even those terrible bad mommy moments.

She has a voracious appetite and is known to stuff a whole slice of cheese in her mouth. Or, stuff her pie hole full of turkey if the dog is watching (she hopes to make her jealous.) It’s not uncommon, in her enthusiasm, for her to start gagging and turn red with bulging eyes. I’ve become adept at the Heimlich. She has to be watched like a hawk when she eats because it’s not when they’re making noise when you have to worry about a blocked airway. When it’s blocked, one can’t make noise. Sometimes she can eeek out a little gagging sound as she tries to clear the block with the last bit of air accessible to her. Mostly she’s successful in clearing it herself these days. (Practice makes perfect I guess.) I usually wait to see if she can do it before I intervene. It’s unsettling watching her turn colors and her eye get all buggy. Night before last this happens, I hear the noise as I’m doing some prep work at the cutting board and I turn to watch her to see if she clears it. She does and I tell her, “Z that scares the heck out of me.” A few minutes go by and I hear the sound again, I jump and turn abruptly… she starts laughing. She thinks it’s funny, this reaction I have, when I fear for her life. So now she just makes the sound to see me jump. I can see where this all is going…